I'm so angry...

So I went to the Anger Management Tour last night here in Dallas. In case you don't know, Eminem was the headliner preceeded by 50 Cent and the G-unit guys as well as Lil' John, and a bunch of other fuckers who I didn't bother leaving the bar early enough to see.

First off my main complaint. How fucking hard is it to get the sound right at a hip-hop show? All you have to do is balance a pre-recorded track and several microphones. In Eminem's case there were two guys on stage (Em and some dude who I assume to Obie Trice, but what the fuck do I know) and a "DJ" pretending to mix records on a little elevated platform off to the side of the stage. Songs would play and you could'nt hear Em during the verses. How the fuck does this happen? The one guy in the building who should have his mic turned up, and he doesn't. Whatever.

Despite that I had a damn good time. The thing is with rap/hiphop concerts is there really isn't much you can do to make them good. Rarely is the music generated fromm actual live instruments, so you basically end up with any number of people running around the stage rapping and generally fucking around. That's what's so great.

Watching G-unit play it is clear why 50 Cent is the star. He's the only one who seemed like had anything specific to do. The rest of the guys were just running around pouring bottles of water on groupies and waving their towel around. G-unit is made up of a bunch of guys who are really lucky they grew up on the same block as 50. And I suppose they're lucky 50 hasn't gotten himself killed yet.

Its a topic I love talking about: the Entourage, the Posse whatever. I think it's actually better to be a posse member than the head guy. The head guy has to do shit. If you're just some dude in G-unit all you really ahve to do is make sure 50 isn't too far away from wherever you are; the rest is money and bitches.

I'm going to elaborate on this later, but I don't care to be at work anymore this week so I'm leaving. Sobriety's a bitch.

A Whore's Bath

Damn that shit is funny...I just heard this term this week for some reason; that's some funny shit. I'm sure it's nothing new, that it's prety standard terminology but somehow I've just never heard it.

There's really nothing special about a girl (or guy for that matter) taking a shower, cleaning their naughty bits, smelling good etc. before going out on the town. I just think it's fucking hiliarious to call this a Whore's Bath. Who doesn't laugh at that?

A whore I suppose; but they probably already know why they're scrubbing down. Plus a lot of girls won't admit to being whores so maybe they don't know? I don't know. A clean girl is nice though.

Yes, there's sarcasm here. But be fully advised that I plan on running this term into the ground in the coming weeks.

you wanted a shout...

I just received this Voicemail from a friend. It seems like he's pissed about a lack of mention of him on this site. Well, here ya' go fuck-o.

What follows is as close to a transcript as I can put together right now.

Punctuation and the inflection in his voice may be a bit off. It's difficult to accurately depict slurred words on a keyboard....but you should get the idea.

In the interest of anonymity I've left out the names. If you know me or him, it's probably not hard to figure it out. So here are...you'll be hearing a lot about this guy. Sorry for leaving him out so far.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Bitch stop lyin’!!!

Hey mutherfucker this is *** .
Uh…I’m in DC and uh, I’m calling because uh, I just read your motherfucking web log and
I noticed a… I noticed a serious lack of comments about *** or anyone who even resembles me. And I’m wondering, you know, am I not that much a part of your life that that I don’t get on the fucking blog?… You know?

I’m in DC right now, I’m flat out fucking dominating this town. As usual.
I mean It’s fuckin’ Thursday and (girlfriend) and I are drunker than a couple of gunfighters, about to kill people and shit; And I mean your blog is fucking silent and shit. You’re probably just sleeping and shit. I’m telling you to call us fool. I’m serious, I’m serious.

Call us fool. Ha ha, seriously man. We’re out of control and you’re over there like… let’s see like a… like a fucking Eskimo in an igloo. That’s bullshit. I mean give us a fuckin call. I mean honestly you’re a fucking joke.

I’m over here, I’m fucking walking through uh, DC and shit. It’s like I own this town which I clearly do. Fucking clearly I do. I mean, clearly. Bought fuckin’ sold and paid for. Yeah, right on dude, seriously Serious.

I mean uh, I’m fucking killing people and shit and you over there, you don’t even have the fucking gravitas to fucking give me a shout out on your mutherfucking weblog.

I mean, what the fuck dude? I mean honestly, what the fuck? What the fuck…That is all I can say.

Hey,… give me a shout. Give me a mutherfucking shout. That’s all I’m saying, just give me a shout.
Dude, I don’t give a fuck about your job or your phone conversation. Who you know or where you been or who the fuck you been on vacation with.

Just give my monkey ass a shout. That’s all. Other than that just keep it real. Adios

Neighborhood encounters

I live in what can effectively described as a 'fringe' area of Dallas. Three completely different, very distinct communities converge at the corner on which I live.

Three blocks to one direction is Cedar Springs, a thriving homosexual district home to dozens of primarily gay bars, clubs, restaurants shops etc. On any given night (particularly weekends) you can see all manner of the homosexual community. Nothing really out of the ordinary for this type of neighborhood, but not your standard white-bread community either.

A little north of Cedar Springs is a pretty hard Hispanic barrio along Maple Ave. and Wycliff. I don't know too much about this area, except that the liquor stores sell cheap booze, and the grocery stores have great homemade tortillas. It is not uncommon to pass hookers, pimps and drug dealers while on my way to work. There's also a train track that runs through here, so there's always a good population of drifter running through here.

All this, and yet three blocks east is the border to Highland Park. Not sure where it ranks but I imagine it is in the ten or so wealthiest enclaves in the country. It was front page news just a few years ago when the first black family moved into HP.

Given it's location near several major intersections, my little area is home to quite a mix of residents. Everyone from metrosexuals, to homosexuals to meth-cooks and junkies live within a few blocks. In fact, just last week two crack houses were torn down that were adjacent to a condo-complex where homes start around $300K. Guess property value just went up a bit.

I like it here. None of these areas bother me too much, though I don't really fit perfectly into any of them. The ghetto is a little sketchy but far enough away that the dangerous stuff is kind of removed. I don't care for the cookie-cutter suburbia that makes up much of any large city these days so this neighborhood keeps things pretty interesting.

Don't get me wrong, I don't live in the ghetto. It's not really a dangerous place, it just has a huge mix of people living within several blocks of each other. The disparity between residences ranging from cheap tenements to high-dollar luxury townhomes results in lots of different and strange people and whatever type of activity they bring with them. In fact, pursuant to Megan's Law, every six weeks or so I receive in the mail a postcard informing me that a registered sex offender has moved into my zip code. I make it a point to find the address, and remove it from my jogging route. I don't do much jogging anymore.

So, here in the Ghayto we see some cool shit. Last week I was in 7-11 picking up some tall boys for my trip to the shopping mall. I walked in an a tiny Vietnamese lady was there arguing with the counter-guy. It seems he'd sold her a scratch-ticket and she'd won $6 which she was trying to redeem. Seems reasonable, right?. Well, apparently he'd only paid her $4 and this was grounds for assault. Problem was both only spoke very broken English, and the native language of each was quite different form the other's.

So here I am, minding my own business trying to catch a weeknight buzz and I get this bit of entertainment. She first started yelling at him, but he didn't understand. I didn't either. Her accent was very thick and her English very bad. Of course the counter guy was straight out of Africa. I'm not sure exactly where he was from but he looked like Manute Bol and was about 6'5"; he didn't speak Vietnamese. So the lady got frustrated at not being able to put toghether the right series of clicks ans whistles the guy would understand, so she started throwing packs of gum and Altoids at him demanding her money. Finally after pointing at her ticket and holding up various fingers, counter guy realized what she was after.

He claimed to have paid her the correct amount and physically forced her out of the store. I paid my $2 for 48 oz. of Miller Lite while she beat on the window and gave him dirty looks. After he and I kind of chuckled a bit she became incensed and came back into the store and tried to climb over the counter and take from the still-open register the very $2 that he'd taken from me. I guess this is when it escalated to robbery and Manute picked up the phone.

I guess little Vietnamese women are conditioned to have a strong fear of authority and of anyone in uniform (can't guess why); so as soon as the word "police" was mentioned she climbed back over the counter and walked outside. I figured this was over so I headed out to my car. I tried to encourage her to keep standing up for herself and that she needed to get the money that was righfully owed to her. I offered to call the cops and have them straighten it out but she ran away while Manute told me I had to leave too or I'd go to jail.

Keep it real.

Livin' in America

okay...lifted this from the daily links put together by Bill Simmons' intern over at ESPN Page 2 so I can't claim to have found it.

The hardest working man in show business, James Brown took a couple of months off a few years back to go to prison. Evidently he'd been videotaping women in the bathroom of his restaurant and they were'nt cool with that.

Here's a video of an interview he gave shortly after his release.

I Feel Good!!!

Larry Williams (aka The Dickeman)

Here it is guys...finally got it up and online.
For those of you who haven't seen this here's the backstory as its been told to me:
These two guys from california were out on Longview,Texas on some kind of business trip and needed directions. They ask some dude on the street and video tape the directions in lieu of writing it down.

Thank God they did. What they got is tremendous.

(I suppose this is work safe...provided you don't work someplace shitty)

Larry Williams (aka The Dickeman)

G-mail invites

If anyone has some G-mail invites let me know. I need a few for various puposes.
You know how to reach me.

update to on-field drinking

The Commissioner's office hung up on me this afternoon when I called seeking an answer to my question. I've drafted a letter in follow-up, should anyone wish to donate Monkeydrunk stationary to make it look more legit. Shit's expensive, yo.

If anyone has a contact at the Commissioner's office, please send it my way.

A-Rod to play for the Dominican???

Look, I have no real problem with Alex Rodriguez. I thought he was pretty cool when he was in Seattle, sold out and came here to Texas where he was pretty much a little bitch. He's kind of like Duke. Very successful, wealthy, probably an upstanding citizen; but no one you'd ever really want to spend much time around.

When it appeared that the Rangers were going nowhere, nor were they making any real effort at improving their team (a side-effect of A-Rod's crippling contract), he split for the evil empire and resigned to the Yankees to pick up his ring. The Red Sox spoiled that idea by whipping their ass last fall, proving that a group of hard-nosed, old-school ballplayers will always win against the rich kids form the Prep school up the street.

You see, heart counts. That's why Duke sucks. Sure my mom may like them because they have clean haircuts, and say 'please' and 'thank you', but in the back of their minds the kids from the street will always have something on them. No matter how much poetry JJ Reddick writes, he's still pissed he's not Tupac.

Enough about Duke, you should get the point. You should agree with me. Alex Rodriguez is like for the professional baseball. Without question one of the greats (possibly of all-time) but just on the outside looking in. He tried to be one of the popular kids by going to the Yankees but he found out people still don't like him. He tried to become the larger than life superstar he thought his talent dictated, but he got shut down. Not only was it Jeter's team, but a bunch of rednecks playing on Boston are getting all the trim.

So now he decides he wants to keep it real and play for the Dominican republic in the upcoming World Baseball Classic? What? Dude was raised in Miami; at best he's half Cuban. I'm not arguing he should play for the US, I don't really care. It just seems to me like he's trying once again to get on the inside of a place he doesn't belong. The Latin players are seen as the young stars of the game, look at homerun derby Monday night. Talent or not, those guys are just infinitely more likeable than a tight-assed, Nancy boy from Coral Gables who nurses at the teat of Steinbrener.

I just see this as A-Rod trying, once again to get in with the cool kids. Everybody knows damn well George will declare The Bronx a sovereign nation and enter the Yanks in the WBC anyway.

British National Anthem

did anyone else know that the British National Anthem was "My Country 'tis of Thee"?

Nope, me either.

El Homerun Derby

I'm old school; and I like my ballplayers drunk. That's what I kept thinking last night as I watched three hours of Homerun Derby coverage. That and hoy fucking annoying Chris Berman has becom over the last several years.

Not that I necessarily want the competitors drinking, although I'd have no problem with it. But I sure hope those guys hanging out along the baselines are getting hammered. Now I'm not stupid, it would be irresponsible for MLB to turn sponsorship over to Anheuser Busch and encourage drinking during the event; but why not look the other way.? It's a day off for these guys, a vacation of sorts. A chance to celebrate and be celebrated during the Midsummer Classic. What's more classic in the middle of summer than getting loaded and watching some baseball? Damn right, not much.

I don't know if MLB has an official stance on this, and perhaps it's best that they don't. I just hope that in the future it can be one of those "don't ask, don't tell" kind of laws.